juila

i dont want to keep it together anymore

In a sense, there is no such thing as failure. There is only sweet and sour reality

i amm so upset and angry i just want to be held and i just want to cry, i cant stand the way my mom treats sherry who is now 6 before i left to go to tx sherry was 4 and she was so amazing she had such a good spirit we always giggled and danced and she was just happy my mom was really obbesive strict tooo on the border of child abuse she was so mean to her and my mom and i would fight so much b/c i couldnt stand the way my mom treated her and brian would never say anything and i always resented him b/c how can any father let somebody do that to his kid.. my mom just doesnt know how to be a mom at all it was always me and sherry against mom b/c of the way mom totured her i didnt wanna go to texas i wanted to stay with sherry b/c i knew no matter what punisment what abuse my mom gave to her id be there to give her unconditional love..

but i left for texas and a year and 2 months later i see sherry again and my mom killed her spirit she doesnt laugh or giggle her eyes they are so hungry for some love attention what a mom is suppose to give everytime sherry hugs me my mom bitches sherry is even afarid of coming in this room and seeing me. heh she just sits and her room and reads thats all she does my mommy killed her innocence she is 6 going on 36 my mom takes away her toys just b/c she can she feeds sherry only twice a day she doesnt let sherry induldge or nuture her at all she treats sherry like a prisoner all she does is yell at her scream at her she even tells sherry not to call her mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god this kills me it kills me so much i cant stand spending anytime with my mom and with sherry at the same time b/c shes so abusive to her and i say so many things to my mom about it and she doesnt fucking care she tells sherry her dad doesnt love her that sherry never listens to her. and sherry trys so hard and brian sherrys dad just forces sherry on my mom more as a manupliative effort so my mom wont leave

brian even went into sherrys room tonight and told her hed send her back to her crackho mom if she tried to take away my mom and make my mom leave. yeah fucking right. like sherry has anything to do with my moms insan behavior like sherry can stop my mom from leaving like my mom leaving has anything to do with sherry! how fucked up is that poor sherry poor sherry how can god put sherry through this? jesus she is killing her. SHE IS FUCKING KILLING HER!!!!!!!!!!! AND NOBODY DOES ANYTHING!~ HOW CAN THEY JUST IGNORE SHERRY AND THE ABUSE SHE FUcking gets!!!!!!!! poor baby poor baby i have no idea what to do i just want to go home but then tnat makes me no more better then everybody else ignoring her and i know so many people even family members agree but they are too weak to do anything sometines i really hate my mom. i just dont know what to do i hate this people are so weak and sherry is suffering tremdously b/c of it

i love her so much so much so much what if she wont be ok

h Well i moved out of sallys i think i must like suffering and barely surviving.

Things are goin good with the girls but things are about to change two girls are movin out and a guy is moving in.. and honestly i feel like im not ready for it. i lived withh 2 guys i laughed i loved and i do not know if i have room for another guy in my life to share somethin like that again i dont think i have room in my heart for it all ive already experieced it,.. i love them somuch. im scared of lovin like that again.. of losing that again.. maybe im just stingy.maybe im weird.. i often wonder if a mother and a father after having one child ever think they could love another child like they love their first child.. maybe im just scared maybe i just dont want to admit that i havent cried somuch over them in the last month maybe i dont want to admit tht i dont feel as lost as i did without them.. maybe this is what life is all about loving learning growing drifting apart coming back together.. moving on,,(maybe this is why i like being single b/c i feel like ive already had love from guys) maybe im just waiting for them to come back to me to knock through my door and sleep on my couch how can i live with another guy? how can i go through this again.. how can i love like that again i want them life moves to fast im not ready for another guy..maybe im holdin back tears typin this

Laura called me today an i heard eli an joe bullshitting about me in the background an it made me feel sao so so special and loved ive only felt like twice since febuarary.

ive fucked up so much this year.. im so ashamed of myself i went from keeping my family together to just fucking up im soooo ashamed of myself i dont know how else to describe it., one day im going to have to tell my kids that i lived with a stripper an some of our horror stories how could i fuck up so much i shoulda known better!!!!!!!!!.. thanks for who didnt lose faith in me..

im readY

my baby brother.